You Can’t Ignore Your Birth Trauma
I am here again with an episode that's related to Cesarean Awareness Month.
I just thought it'd be important to kind of come on here and talk about some feelings that I've been having since I've. Talking about and sharing my c-section stories, so I didn't realize that emotions would come up the way they have been since I have been talking about my C-sections. I don't know, I've, I, I thought I did process my birth experiences completely, but I obviously I have not, uh, because I have been having feelings come up of like, Guilt and shame and just like thinking like, gosh, I wish I would've, I wish I could've.
Why didn't I like all these questions? I keep asking myself, like I listen to all these birth stories. I listen to birth stories all the time. And a lot of times I hear, you know, these women say like, after my first C-section, I was like, oh no, I'm not gonna have that experience happen to me again. So they researched like crazy and then ended up having, you know, like this V A C that.
You know, was their dream come true or whatever. And I don't know, it just makes me kind of sad that, uh, it took me three C-sections to finally see the light. And of course, I'm grateful that I finally realized that I could do better and I had options, but it just. Solidifies my thinking in that a lot of us feel like we don't have a choice.
We feel like we don't have an option other than what is presented to us from our doctor. And unfortunately our doctors don't really have our best interest in mind because of course they have like their own agenda and they have to look out for themselves. They have to do what they feel is. I would hope that they do what they feel is right, but that's not always the case because they don't want there to be like repercussions against them.
Like say, if they recommend like a V A C and then you know, which is vaginal birth after C-section. And then something happens like the woman has a uterine rupture or some, some other type of complication. I, I'm assuming that they don't want it to come back on them, so they don't want to really recommend it.
Um, which is really sad because ultimately, It's our choice, but we feel like we have to listen to this authority figure who, you know, of course they went to school for all this, but it's crazy. A lot of these OBGYNs have. Never even seen a physiological birth. Now, what is a physiological birth? So that would be where the woman is just honing into her intuition.
She's moving the way her body is telling her to move, getting in whatever position feels good to her, not just laying in bed. That feels good to her. Eating and drinking, making whatever sounds come out of her mouth, you know? Um, And just letting, letting herself be led by her body. A lot of doctors haven't seen that.
They see these women who come in and are looking for them for advice on what they should do next because we're scared. We go in there scared cuz we don't know what to expect. There's all this fear surround. Birth, and I feel like a lot of it stems from, well, there's many different things that it can stem from.
It can stem from what we see in movies, which, you know, whatever we see in movies is normally the most dramatic. It's like women screaming and clawing at their husbands and saying, get this baby outta me. Or, you know, whatever the case may be. And sure, you know, some women do react that way to birth, but a lot of times they don't.
You know, it's when I had this vision of birth, That it was exactly like the movies. It was gonna hurt. It was gonna be scary. I needed to listen to what my doctor was telling me and count to 10 when I push. And that's just not reality. Like if we're talking about physiological birth, that's not what it is.
It's different for everybody. Some women might be screaming, moaning, you know, they can sound like a wild animal. Um, they could be quiet, you know, everybody just. Uh, everybody reacts to the intense, intense feelings of contractions differently, and I feel like a lot of it has to do with your preparation for birth and where your fears stem from.
So, like I talked about, A lot of 'em stem from tv or it could stem from us hearing these horror birth stories from our friends and family, or it can stem from our family, like being scared for us. So they instill that fear or push those fears onto us. And yes, birth is unpredictable. We cannot say what exactly is going to happen in birth.
But I feel like we have to be okay with the unknown. Like we could make the best laid plans. We could create this perfect birth plan, but it might turn out completely different, and that's okay because that's birth.
I just feel like we put too much idolization on. Doctors and we ignore our own intuition, our own thoughts, our feelings, whatever that may be, we're ignoring it and we're going to this authority figure to ask them what the best thing for us to do is. And I feel like that's a big thing on why I struggled so much was because I felt like I was failed by this system.
Because I was told this is what was best for me and I ended up having these C-sections. And even though on the outside it might not look like birth trauma to some people or most people, I don't know what people think about it, but to me, each birth was very traumatic. Each C-section birth, like there was things in it that just happened to me.
Made me feel like I wasn't even a person. It made me feel like, like I didn't matter. And the only thing that mattered is, you know, a healthy baby, and, which of course that does matter, but that's not the only thing that matters, and that's the way I felt for so long. I know I can't look back and continue to regret not doing the research and doing the work to have a better experience for the next time.
Because what happened happened, like I cannot change the past as much as I wish I could sometimes, but, That's real. Like you don't realize what somebody could be going through when they have a C-section or even a vaginal birth. You have no idea. There could be so many things that happened that they don't talk about because they're either ashamed of, or they feel like it's normal because it was made to seem normal.
So I really struggled with that. And then, you know, like I said, talking about my C-section stories, it kind of brought some feelings up and. I just thinking back on it, I'm like, how do doctors do this day in and day out and feel okay about it? I just, it doesn't make sense to me, and I know it's not every doctor I know that, but the majority that I have seen personally or have heard about from friends, I'm just like, wow.
They really just push their own agenda and you know, I mean, we can get so deep into this topic because there's so many different levels to it. Like it's not just the doctor, there's like a hierarchy, you know? And ultimately a hospital is a business, so a doctor has to abide by certain regulations and it's pretty ridiculous.
Like having a birth in the hospital is. Doesn't coincide with having a physiological birth. Um, I mean, maybe it could happen, but I think you'd really have to fight for it because I know even though I had my vaginal birth, which was amazing, it was an amazing experience. There was still certain things that happened throughout that birth process that I hated.
I look back and I hated, which I'll dive into in a future episode when I talk about my vback. But it's so nuanced, you know? I mean, it just depends on who's the one administering care, who's the one looking on and who's the one experience it. Everybody is going to have a different perspective of what is happening, because what I perceive as birth trauma to somebody else might look like.
A peaceful, beautiful birth. You know, we're all different in that sense. Um, but I just realize, you know, it's, it takes time to heal from that even when you feel like you've healed from some wound, some previous wound. You might not be, you know, and it's, it's not like you work on it once and it's gone. This is something that you have to continually work on throughout your entire life.
Sometimes, you know, to heal those wounds and push past them and not look at them anymore as a negative, because that's what I try to do. I try to look at it. Not a negative experience, even though it was, I try to look at it as this is a thing that pushed me into this work. That is the thing that brought me to want to help more women.
I want to help women. I want them to see that they are so much more powerful than they are made to believe. Like you are so powerful. Nobody can take that power away from you unless you let them. And it's, it can be easy to do in this system cuz I know I felt like my power was stripped from me many times each time I went to the hospital in one way or another.
And I almost felt like, I don't know, it kind of sounds ridiculous, but like going against the system, I almost feel like a little kid in. School, like I'm not supposed to go against the grain or I'm gonna get in trouble. You know? And it's weird to say that out loud, but that's the way I felt for so long.
Like I couldn't say no. I just had to do what they said because they're this authority figure. Even though I perceived my experiences as trauma, they were traumatic for me in different ways. I'm now trying to flip. And see the beauty in what it has brought me, where it has brought me to, because now I'm able to serve so many women.
Like even in just the past year, I have been able to talk to countless incredible women of power. Like if they don't feel like they're in their power in some way, I've helped them or they've helped me, we've helped each other come back to that. And I think that's so important for us to do is lift each other up, like.
Let's let go of this stupid competition crap cuz it's crap. Like we're all here for the same reason. And why are we going to bash each other? Let's lift each other up. Like we don't know what we're going through unless we talk about it. We don't know what others are going through unless we talk about it.
You never know. What somebody's story is, cuz I know that nobody has known what my story is. There's even some things that I haven't even told Javi my husband, who I've been toge, been with for 11 years about my past, and I'm finally feeling okay with. Letting those things out and talking about them because why?
Why are we holding this in? It is physically, literally making us sick. Why are we trying to uphold this perfect persona? It's ridiculous. Ridiculous. And I feel like I've done it for way too long. Like yes, there's some people that really know my heart and soul, and I feel that. I am the type of person that, this feels weird being honest about it, but sometimes I only let you see what I want you to see.
You know? And maybe there's more people doing that than we realize, but they just don't talk about it, you know? Because life is a journey. It's a learning journey. Nothing about it is perfect. It is so like out of this world that we even have this word called perfect. What is perfect? What even is perfect.
Tell me. I wanna know. Like legit. I wanna know because I think it's ridiculous. We are not perfect and there's no reason to try to be perfect. It's all about progress. And I know I've said this before, but life is a progression. I know. Compared to like 10 years ago, I'm so much different than I was compared to five years ago, one year ago, six months ago, 30 days ago.
Like I'm so much, I'm so different than I used to be. And when people say that to me, cuz people have said that to me, like, oh, you're so different. Like you're not, you're not how you used to be. And I'm like, thank you. Why would I want to be, I want to be forever evolving and. That might look like not having the same friends as I used to.
That might look like me having different routines or, you know, hanging out with different people, what, whatever, whatever the case may be. Like it's, it's gonna look different and that's how it should be. Like if you are not growing, you're dying. And I've heard that and I thought it was very abrasive when I heard it.
But I feel like it's true. Like if you're not growing, then what are you doing? Like there should always be some type of, and I'm not saying you should always be reaching for a goal, but why not learn all that you can? Why not grow relationships deeper than you have been? Why not dig deeper into yourself than you have been?
It doesn't even have to be external growth towards. That internal growth, your mindset, the way you feel about yourself, things that have happened to you in the past that were traumatic, or you know, like depression you may be going through right now. Just be so brutally honest with yourself because that's what I've really been doing lately, is just being so brutally honest with myself and really digging deeper into who I am, because I feel like, especially as a mother, like after you have children, nothing is the same, nothing.
There's all this culture about like bouncing back to what we used to be. What? Why, why would we even be doing that? We are forever changed forever. Like we are not the same person we were before we had kids, so why are we gonna try to go back to that? Personally, I've been really digging into human design and if you're not familiar, look it up.
It's, it's really cool. I have actually, I did the human design. Which is, it's based on like your birthdate and your birth time exactly to the minute. And it's like the position of where Saturn was when you were born. It's really in depth. You really gotta read into it, but it gives you like what you are.
And mine came out that I'm a reflector. So I'm gonna let you go ahead and search into that because I looked into it and I was like, oh my gosh, this makes so much sense. Um, but anyways, like I've also been doing, like going into my cycle, so I'm trying to really track my cycle just to see how my emotions are throughout my cycle to kind of.
Myself navigate through things in a better way because if I know I am, I don't know, more angry or not as creative at this time or this time, then I know that I'm not gonna do this type of work, or I'm not gonna go to this type of event or whatever it may be, cuz I'm not going to put extra stress on my body or my mind or my hormones or whatever that may.
It's not for everybody, I get that. But for me, you know, I've been just really diving into my body and how, um, how it reacts to the world, not just my physical body, my mental, um, my mentality, everything. Everything. And I feel like that's really helped as I navigate through. My traumas that I've had. So I don't know if that might help you, but I just thought I'd share, uh, because that's been kind of weighing heavy on my mind as I've been going through this.
And, you know, it's been like a really crazy, busy couple of weeks for me because, you know, I'm constantly like recording. I'm creating an ebook, which I'm going to be, well, by the time this episode airs, it'll already be. But it's a vback e-book. It's, um, an in-depth e-book on how to have like a fearless V a C and comes with affirmations and, um, some birth affirmation cards, as well as audio affirmations.
So I've been working on that a lot. And then, you know, just trying to be more present with my family and kids and gain more in-person clients because I, I love the online space, but I love people. I love connecting with my community. I love being able to get out and kind of be out and about with other.
Parents or people, friends, whatever that may be. I don't know where I was going with that, but I just had to let this, let this out, which has been on my mind. All right, well, I will see you very. Soon in the next episode, and if you feel like anything resonated with you or you'd like to dig a little deeper into it or you wanna ask me a question about anything that I talked about, please don't hesitate to reach out.
I'll link all the ways that you can contact me in the show notes so you can get ahold of me with ease. And also I would love if you would rate and review this show. If you feel like this is an episode that you would like to share with somebody, then please feel free to, I feel like we have to get more of this normalization out there of.
It's okay to not be okay. And you know, nobody's perfect. We're all just trying to figure it out together. All right, well, I will let you go, but I will talk to you very soon. Bye.
