People Pleasing in Pregnancy & Life
Hi! Welcome to The Birth Junkie Podcast, this is the first episode, and holy cow I've been so excited to embark on this new adventure with you. So today, we're going to talk about people-pleasing because it can become worse when you're pregnant during birth, and even in the postpartum season.
We're going to discuss 10 steps on how you can overcome that people-pleasing attitude. It can be really easy to be a people-pleaser at times!
I'm curious how many times you have said yes when you really wanted to say no, do you say yes, even when it goes against every one of your core values? Do you often let others' needs come before yours?
I want to give you an example, now say somebody asks you, “hey can you watch my son while I go you know run these errands or while I go get my nails done?” and you're thirty-nine weeks pregnant, you have 2 kids of your own, you're exhausted and you just want to rest because you know you're at the end of your pregnancy and you want some kind of self-care too. But you say yes and then you're asking yourself afterward, Why did I say yes? I'm so tired, or that was so exhausting.
It's your choice what you want to do with your time but that's where people pleasing comes in and sabotages us. Another situation that might arise is if your doctor's telling you, “hey you're thirty-nine weeks pregnant let's induce you” once you get to forty weeks because technically you're full term and it's time to get baby out. “You know they're not going to cook any more than they already have they can come out” and you're like well okay, sure, I guess. So even though you're going against your better judgment. Even though you're going against your original plan which was just to wait and let your labor spontaneously happen. It can be super hard to say no when you actually mean no, but the one who will actually pay the price in a not-so-positive way is YOU and I'm not telling you this as a person that has perfected this because I'm not you know, I still struggle with people pleasing. It's not going to be an overnight success. You have to work on this every day sometimes.
I just started working on getting rid of my people-pleasing attitude. It was when I was preparing for my fourth pregnancy and my first vaginal birth. That's when I started working on it and that was a year ago from now. So it's a work in progress. But. Anyways I just wanted to tell you, I've struggled and each pregnancy brought a new struggle with people pleasing now if you follow me on Instagram then you know that I have 4 children and 3 of which I had a c-section and I'll be honest, the last 2 c-sections that I had I didn't educate myself and I also was really struggling with being a people pleaser.
I didn't want to make waves so I just did what they wanted so that I avoided you know, an argument or uncomfortable discussion with either my partner or my practitioner. So I decided that I was going to have a vaginal birth after having those 3 c-sections. I learned how to advocate for myself I learned that I didn't have to do what people wanted me to do just so that I could avoid confrontation, I was and am allowed to do what I want to do and that should be the end of the conversation.
To this day, as I said, I still practice working on not being a people pleaser because it shows its face in everyday situations not just in pregnancy not just in birth um in everything it takes practice and consistency. And I'll admit you know it does get easier over time to choose what will serve you because that's ultimately what matters what's going to serve you not what's going to serve others.
Now I'm wondering. Have you ever felt like you said yes to something and you immediately regretted it or you said yes to something and it ends up completely draining you and it completely drains you to the point where you don't even want to do what actually feels good to you or what you planned on doing. Because you said yes to this other person or other thing and now you're exhausted you drain yourself and you've lost all that playful energy to do what you love so doing what you love doesn't feel like you're doing what you love anymore because you're so drained from doing that other thing.
These are big reasons why I want to share with you 10 ways on how you can stop people pleasing and start saying no when that's actually what you mean.
So first I want to help you realize how people-pleasing is normal. So We all want to help people or make others feel good about themselves. This is super natural and we've actually learned this behavior in childhood and subconsciously we bring it into our adulthood. There's so many ways that we have learned this in Childhood. And I'll kind of go over a few here.
So if you've had a parent or caregiver that had really high expectations for you and maybe punished you when you made a mistake or when you didn't live up to their expectations.
Another way is if you had a parent or caregiver that pushed you towards very high-level success and an example of that would be like an olympian you know they get pushed to a very high level of success very young so people pleasing can come into effect full force because they're so used to wanting to please their parents to reach that high level of success that they are expected to.
Another way that people-pleasing could have been ingrained in you is if you experienced trauma whether it be mental physical emotional and the reason being is that sometimes people-pleasing is actually used as a coping mechanism like. You're so traumatized by that experience that you're trying everything in your power not to let it happen again. So you do that by people pleasing and by just saying yes to everything.
Another way is if your parent or caregiver was a people pleaser themselves. Then obviously you would just be modeling that behavior and you wouldn't even realize it as we all ah have come to realize children are sponges. They just take everything in and make it their own, so we got to really watch what we're doing even around our kids because they're watching everything.
So those are just a few of the ways you could have been introduced to people pleasing by your parents or caregiver and as you might know if you are a people pleaser like me. It is exhausting and it can leave you feeling stressed and burned out have you ever felt that way I know I have too many times to Count. It's kind of ridiculous. Ah, when you say yes to somebody like going out for instance. You wanted to stay in and just relax because you've had a long week from work and you're like I just want to be home and chill with my kids or if you don't have kids maybe your dogs um and then somebody says hey let's go out for drinks and you really don't want to. But you end up saying yes anyway because they say will you never come out or you always say no or you're always too busy. Um, so that can be really hard that situation before you. You know and if you do end up saying yes to going out. You know you were already tired and possibly stressed. But then once you come back home from going out, you're even more tired than you originally were.
Because you guys ended up staying out till 2 am because they kept saying come on 1 more drink just 1 more drink and you're like oh I guess we're already out here I guess we'll have another drink and it's hard to find that balance. But nobody's looking out for your best interest more than you are so.
How do you know when you're about to say yes when you actually mean no well let me kind of explain something to you a true? yes. Will align with your values and your own best interests. You'll actually feel it with your body. It feels easy and there's no doubt or worry when you say yes. Now the opposite, if your body feels tense or you're starting to have anxiety. That could actually be your body trying to tell you that this is probably a good time to say no. Whether you're deciding on saying yes or no, you want to make sure that you're feeling a whole body “Yes.”
Now some reasons you may avoid listening to that inner voice could be because you follow a few personal rules now one is you like to help people and that could be because that's what you would want if you're in need.
And it might be because you know when we're younger or it could be any time of our lives., We're told do unto others what we would not want to be done for us or to us. So that's one of those personal things that are just ingrained and trained into our brains and it could be at a very young age. Another reason is that you're a person of your word and you don't want to seem flaky I totally get that I have done that to a fault for instance. Um, you know a family member asks to help them move and you know even though I already have like 10 things on my to do list for that day I'm like yeah I'll do it I'll help you because subconsciously. I don't want to seem like a flaky friend or family member you know and I want to be there to help my friends not necessarily that I expect them to do it in return because I mean you know a lot of times they just do it anyways, if you have that kind of relationship but you do to others.
You do to others what you would hope they do for you and then you don't want to seem flaky so it's like you go all in even though it might inconvenience or stress you out. Another reason is you may be a caregiver type and sometimes whether you realize it or not, you're practicing that savior behavior since it seems like everybody comes to you when they're in a pinch so you're like well yes. I'll save you and I think this is a problem I mean it's a problem in lots of different avenues but I know personally I work as a home health aid. That's what I do to have a consistent income but I Have done this work throughout the years um I mean I've stopped in between and I was actually a school bus driver for special needs, children and adults. Um, but over the years I have done home health and I want to say it's been about.
About 8 years so I literally am a caregiver you know I help the elderly and I do for them. What I would want done for me or you know I imagine it's. 1 of my family members. What would I want done for them or how would I want their care to look ah and also now that I'm a doula. Ah you know this is a serving occupation. You are serving someone else's needs so that they can have the best outcome possible whether it be in their birth or their postpartum. So it's definitely a fine line to cross.
It's definitely a blurry line now in regards to pregnancy labor and postpartum people-pleasing can easily rear its ugly head. Especially because you might fear that you'll be rejected or abandoned specifically by like your practitioner if you decide to say no to the recommendations This could be because. You don't want to have to switch doctors and start all over again with a new doctor or another reason is because you fear that if you say no, you'll have an argument or your practitioner will be upset with you or maybe even your partner. Um, because you'll be going against your practitioner and you don't want to certify it or an argument or discussion that could be uncomfortable and you know I I completely get that because we're so conditioned to follow this Authority Figure. And what they tell us we're supposed to just do since they know what's best for us right? and they have their our best interests in mind right? So of course we don't want them to be upset with us.
We don't want to start any conflict so we try to avoid that conflict at all costs. It's hard. It's a hard blurry line but you know you have to go back and think about what's going to serve you. best because it's not about them you know you're and I hate to even say it like this but you're just another person that they're going to see very temporarily. They're not going to remember you once you're done seeing them. They could potentially have hundreds and hundreds of revolving clients you know and it just depends on what kind of practitioner. You specifically have you know you can have an obi UIN or a midwife. And obviously if you have a midwife um, typically they have less clients and it could be you know a more personal experience but normally when I'm speaking about practitioners I'm specifically saying obgyns because that's the ones that I have the most experience with personally. Um, so you got to do what serves you best in that situation. Whatever situation that might be and I get it, It's hard.
I get it. It's hard and we want to avoid that argument as well as avoid experiencing somebody being upset with us sometimes we actually imagine that setting a boundary will be interpreted as us being rude or pushy. But it actually helps you uphold your values and allows you to practice that self-care and self-compassion I Understand that setting boundaries can be very difficult but it has to be done because you want to be able to have that. Clear conscious you know on making whatever decision you decide to make even if they do think that you're coming off rude or pushy who cares who cares this is your body. Your baby and your care. It should be tailored to you nobody Else. There's no one size fits all and you don't want to resent yourself or others for making a decision that isn't that whole body. Yes!
Make a decision that you actually don't feel icky about later on when you think back on it because I definitely have that I think back to some of the decisions I made during my pregnancy and labor and birth experience. And it makes me cringe. You know I feel gross about it.
Okay, so now for the juicy part. We're going to talk about the steps to help you towards saying no when you actually mean no!
#1 is to realize you have a choice
Awareness is often the first step toward change. Your voice matters and whatever you decide is number 1, everything else comes second to their hurt feelings. Than being upset with you. Whatever that may be everything comes second.
#2 identify your priorities.
You need to figure that out. Ok, you have to really dig deep nobody can do this for you. You have to dig deep inside yourself to think about what you feel is most important to you. It will become easier to say no to anything that doesn't actually align with your personal goals. Don't look at anybody else just look at yourself.
I Know it can be easy to look at others especially when we live in a world that is focused on social media outlets. Where we literally follow others and are looking at what they're doing for themselves, what they're buying, what they're wearing, what hair products they're using, whatever. So you know, look inside yourself. Don't look at social media and say oh well, this person's doing this I'm going to do that? No. Look into yourself and I get that it's easy to get stuck in that trap. But you need to just focus on your priorities if you have to take a break from social media to figure that out then do that if it helps.
#3 Set boundaries
Since you're so used to catering to others’ feelings this might feel really scary. But once you know what you're willing to do just remember to communicate your needs with kindness. And you know a lot of hard emotions might come up so it might even make you angry but you don't want to come off with anger when you're talking to somebody about this because this is your issue to deal with and it'll actually come off better towards your partner or your practitioner if you bring these feelings from a place of kindness. If it helps before you talk to them try taking some deep breaths and figure out what you're going to say beforehand so you don't feel overwhelmed in the moment or forget exactly what you want to even talk about.
#4 Create a mantra.
Sometimes creating and posting empowering mantras can encourage you to have kind of like a mini pep talk with yourself. So I'm going to give you a few examples and you can actually write these all on sticky notes and stick them on your bathroom mirror or somewhere that you just frequent regularly in your house even in your car. You know on your dashboard so that you can just see them constantly now the first mantra that you can use is ‘I'm allowed to say no.’ That is one that I had to put on my bathroom mirror because I have trouble saying no to authority figures like my ob um so another mantra you can use is ‘no is a complete sentence’, ‘I do not have to explain myself to anyone.’ ‘This is my body so this is my choice’ and obviously, you don't have to use these to the T just find some or even just create your own mantras that make you feel empowered and in charge.
#5 Delay your answer
What I mean by that is if you're at your doctor's appointment and they're telling you oh your baby's big. We need to schedule you for a c-section. So let's do that now and you're like well. Whoa whoa, what's happening, and in your head, you're just thinking I don't want to make this decision right? Now you can delay your answer and you can try saying “hey, I need some time to discuss this with my partner so we can figure out what is the best route for us to go. Um so I will get back to you or I'll call the office with my answer or I'll let you know at our next appointment.” Those are just a few ways that you could use to try to delay your answer so you can actually have time to collect your thoughts about it and figure out exactly what you want to decide and then what you want to actually say to your practitioner or just don't say anything, continue delaying. Let yourself go into spontaneous labor and forget them! It's your choice. Whatever you decide is the right choice!
#6 Learn how to say no with conviction
I know it can be very tempting to say maybe or I don't know but saying a clear no will ensure that they get the message that you're trying to convey to them. Sometimes when you say maybe or I don't know then they'll have some type of rebuttal coming back to you such as “oh well, the benefits of this are oh well, the risk of thatise.” And you know they might just keep coming back to you with different excuses. So just say no write out the gate. No Thanks or I'll pass or you can even say something along the lines of I appreciate your recommendation but I can't do that. So that your practitioner or whoever you're talking to will know where you're coming from and what your decision is.
#7 Try not to give a ton of excuses.
So the more details you give the more people can try to talk you out of your decisions and that kind of goes back to what we discussed on number 6 this happens, especially if the person you're talking to has poor boundaries. Um, and I've noticed personally, with my experience, Doctors don't have very good boundaries. A lot of times you know I can't speak for everyone but that's my experience especially when you're in labor and they kind of want to try to get you on their schedule. They’ll push for what they feel is best for you. Lots of times without taking into account what your actual wishes are so anyways like I said number 7 is don't give a ton of excuses and it goes back to number 6 just say no. And make sure you say no with conviction.
#8 Role play.
So this is one way you can start small so to speak, you can try role-playing with your friends or family members and just make sure that it's with people that you trust so you feel comfortable with them. Just to start out you know and then you can bring up different situations to them to talk to you about you can tell them, “Tell me I'm being induced as well as being or being pushed towards scheduling a c-section when you're actually planning a VBAC or declining getting cervical checks in labor.”
You know that's just to name a few situations. Whatever you know that you don't want in your pregnancy or labor. Create a little script depicting that situation and talk to your trusted support group. Just tell them ‘hey I want you to read this script that way I can gear up my response’ and you can even encourage your support person to go off script so you can try to think of a response in the heat of a moment. This helps so much because practicing with a real person can help you give your response with conviction to your practitioner a lot easier when you're talking to your practitioner. They might be looking at you in an angry way when you say ‘no’ so be prepared for that. And actually, ask your friend or partner whoever's helping you to look angry at you or give you different facial expressions so you can practice when those facial expressions come up and you won't be so shocked or taken aback when they actually happen in person.
#9 Practice that positive self-talk
I love this one! It is so very important to reassure your inner child because remember a lot of times people pleasing comes from when we were children. So reassure that inner child of how amazing they're doing through this process because it's difficult. Some ways that you can try this is by saying to yourself ‘my voice matters, my choice matters, I'm doing amazing at speaking up for myself, I can do hard things’ I mean it can be whatever self-motivational quotes resonate with you or just whatever you come up with for yourself that makes you feel good about what you're doing or what you're working towards.
#10 is important, I mean they're all important but don't skip number 10 because this self-work is really uncomfortable. It is. It's really uncomfortable. It feels like you're climbing over Mount Everest at times. So celebrate, you deserve it, celebrate all of your wins along the way because it all helps you work towards that ultimate goal of not being a people pleaser and standing up for yourself.
Well, those were the 10 steps that you can take and practice to help you towards your goal of not being a people pleaser and saying no when you actually mean no I want you to realize at the end of the day you can't please everyone, it is impossible and just not worth it!
If you get pushback from anybody for working on yourself just remember, those that truly love and care about your mental and physical well-being will be so proud that you're taking these steps towards feeling more mentally healthy and feeling like you have a voice.
As Dr. Suess says, “Those who mind don't matter. And those who matter don't mind”
I want to thank you so much for listening to the first episode of the birth junkie podcasts I really hope that these episodes will help you bust out of that box that you've been placed in so you can come into your power and showcase your uniqueness to the world without fear!
I really hope that they help you in learning how to dive within yourself to figure out how you want to honor yourself and how you want the world to honor you!
✏️ No one is perfect, that's why pencils have erasers ✏️
Have such a beautiful day until next time ✨
