Setting Boundaries in Pregnancy & Postpartum
Someone will always have a suggestion for what you should be eating, feeling, and doing. while you're pregnant or during your birth, or if you've just given birth and you're in postpartum. It's so important to set boundaries ahead of time so people are aware of what you're willing to accept. When you're setting boundaries, uh, they can be set for your provider, your partner, or you know, your family members because those are the people that are going to matter when it comes for preparing for these seasons.
All right, so I wanna start with pregnancy. And it seems like once you make that pregnancy announcement, people almost immediately start asking you questions like, oh, was it a planned pregnancy? Are you gonna find out the gender? , uh, are you planning on giving birth naturally? Are you gonna get an epidural if you're gonna breastfeed?
And on and on. And then of course, sometimes they start in with their, what could be horror stories of their labor and birth of their baby. But anyways, that's for another time. We'll talk about that. Uh, so if you already know the answer, Really don't care to share with these people, then just simply say, you know, I don't know yet.
And that pretty much can stop that conversation right in its tracks. Uh, I know when I was pregnant with my fourth, people kept asking me when I was gonna have my C-section because. I had already had three C-sections. So you know, immediately everybody's like, okay, well when are you scheduling your fourth C-section?
And so I actually didn't tell very many people that I was planning a vaginal birth because I definitely didn't want to hear the negative comments or feel like I had to explain myself. So I actually would say, oh, I don't know. Or I would just give them like my due month, not even my due date, just like my due month and then leave it at that cuz I didn't want to hear it.
And there was actually a couple people that I told that I was planning a vaginal birth and once I told them that, they were like, oh, that's, that's dangerous or isn't it always, you know, once a C-section, always a C-section. And so, you know, I just didn't wanna hear that, so I just did not offer that information.
Um, so another boundary you could create is like a physical boundary because, uh, you know, people feel so inclined to like, touch or rub your stomach. So letting them know like about your physical boundaries. . And obviously if you don't mind being touched, then you know that doesn't really apply cuz you're like, oh yes, touch my belly.
But if you don't want to be touched, then I think it's necessary for you to voice that. I know I went back and forth, like sometimes I was like, oh yeah, cool, I'll, I'll, you can rub my belly. It's fine. I'm in the mood for it. And sometimes I was just like, eh. Back up please. I don't feel like being touched today.
Um, and you know, you can just simply tell 'em like, I actually don't enjoy being touched, but I appreciate the sentiment. , you know, something along those lines cuz it's not like a lot of people do it out of, you know, a negative space or out of trying to be abrasive. But sometimes, you know, the way we receive things is different than the way people give them to us.
But you know, obviously the opposite of that is if you enjoy your belly being touched, then just feel free to encourage your family or friends if that feels right to. . Uh, so when it comes to preparing for your labor and birth experience, it's important to discuss like your boundaries with your provider, or if you have a midwife, a doula, and especially your partner.
I think this includes like how you'd like to be talked to, how you'd like to be touched, how you'd like changes in your birth plan to be discussed and decided. Um, like say your baby. Had like some heart deceleration and that's like a biggie for people to like freak out about. Uh, and they're suggesting like, oh my gosh, you need an emergency C-section.
But they're like, oh, but you have time. Well, you know, talk about this situation ahead of time and talk about how you'd like to handle this, their situation. You can use what's called the brain acronym. , um, to decide whether this feels like a good decision to you, especially if it's not truly an emergency situation.
Because if it's truly an emergency situation, they're not gonna give you time to discuss it. They're just gonna be like, no, we gotta do this now. Uh, so if you aren't familiar with the brain acronym, I'll just kind of touch on it. So BRAIN stands for the B stands for benefits. So what are the benefits of this decision?
Uh, like what are the benefits of this c-section? , uh, the risks. So what are the risks involved with having a c-section? Uh, and a is the alternatives. So are there alternative options that we can do besides having a c-section? I is for intuition. So hone in on your intuition and. Just think about how that makes you feel or what you feel is the right decision to make.
And N stands for nothing or no. You know what? What will happen if we do nothing? Or you know, you can just say no. This is a great acronym to use to help you gather more information so you can make a more informed decision. Okay, so another decision to think about is who do you like to have present or not present when you're in labor and ultimately giving birth.
And this can be hard, especially when you have to tell like a parent or an in-law. Uh, of course you don't want them to have hurt feelings or. Have a confrontation with them, but you need to do this for your mental health. And when you're in labor, you don't want somebody there that's going to give you unnecessary anxiety because then your body's not gonna feel safe, and that could prolong your labor.
So look, try to look at it this way. These decisions are helping you not only learn how to advocate for yourself, but to also prepare you for becoming an advocate for your baby. Because once your baby's born, you have to be an advocate for them because obviously they are too small to make decisions for themselves, and a person might get upset when you put boundaries up.
That might mean that it's not about you, but it's actually about them, and that's not up to you to fix. If they're upset, don't take it upon yourself to try to fix that. They'll eventually get over it and they'll realize that respecting your boundaries is the right thing to do. Okay, so going into postpartum, this can feel a little tricky to navigate because in one instance, you want to share this time with family because they're excited for you.
But in another instance, it's a really raw and vulnerable time in your life. But I think it's. Very important to have your postpartum boundaries put in place before you have baby. It can make this time less awkward and help you feel more in control. Cause when you're in your postpartum season, a lot of times you don't feel in control because you're kind of on your baby's schedule.
It's super understandable that people want to see your. Beautiful baby. Of course, they're so cute, . But if you don't want visitors for, you know, a few days, a few months, or even like up to a year or whatever, you know, after you've given birth, you have that right. You have that right to say so. Or you know, on the opposite end of the spectrum, if you do want visitors, , but only on certain days or certain times or under certain conditions.
Then tell them while you're still pregnant, because you can do that while you're pregnant. Then it won't feel like such a struggle while you're in your postpartum season and you know, it'll just avoid having to have hard conversations when you're trying to deal with figuring out. , especially because some days you might not even want to put clothes on, let alone feel like you have to entertain a guest because even though you don't have to entertain a guest when they come, , you still feel like that.
You still feel like you have to entertain, you still feel like you have to have a clean house, or you don't want somebody to see you in this raw, vulnerable state. I, I don't know how many times someone would say they wanted to come over to meet the baby and I would clean like a crazy person before they got there, and then when they got to my.
I felt like I needed to be on and I just couldn't relax. I mean, unless it was like my mom or somebody really, really close that I felt comfortable being vulnerable around. So, some other things that might come up in conversations are, you know, whether the baby is using a pacifier, if you're using cloth diapers, if you're co co-sleeping, are you making the baby cry it out?
Are you sure you're not holding that baby too much? There will always be differing opinions on what you do, but no matter what you decide, the most important thing is that you feel okay with your decisions whether you are supported in them or not. It's also important to do what. You feel is right for you and your unique baby in your unique situation, and to build strength and courage so you can tell people to back off, and so you can stand firm in your decisions.
You may notice that some of these issues feel very triggering because for one, it feels like someone is questioning your ability to make the best decisions for your family. and two, because your hormones are all over the place w while you're pregnant and especially after you've given birth. So when you feel some, like something is triggering you or you're about to explode on somebody, just try walking away.
Try walking away and collect yourself so you can come back and calmly say something along the lines of, thank you for your suggestion, but we're gonna try this way, or We're gonna try this thing first and see what works for us. It's necessary to set those boundaries so you also don't spiral. . What I mean by spiral is like spiral into like depression.
Postpartum depression is real and can be initiated from self-doubt. And where can self-doubt come from? , uh, from everybody telling you to do it this way or buy this thing or saying, just gimme the baby. I can make them stop crying. You know, these actions, even though they might be well-intentioned, Can make us feel confused, overwhelmed, or make us feel incapable of caring for this human that we just created.
And you're entitled to have your own values be respected, and you're entitled to stand firm in whatever ideologies you follow. Of course, you know, you can be open to what others say and suggest, but just because someone suggests something, Doesn't necessarily mean you have to go along for the ride, especially if it doesn't feel right to.
And also there's like a multitude of products, philosophies, and methods to choose from, whether it be prenatal vitamins, pregnancy pillows, birth location, breast pumps, labor comforts, lactation, consultants, belly bands, provider choice, or even, you know, should I hire a doula? What kind of doula should I hire?
Like the list of possibilities. Seems endless and the amount of information you take in over the course of a few months can feel extremely overwhelming. You know, and after consuming Therefore, the amount of information you feel like you can handle, try to trust your intuition and make your own decision.
You know, I feel like it's the best practice to accept the fact that you will never know everything because you can't and shouldn't. It's important to believe that your choices are good and that your intuition is trustworthy and that what might have worked for one person might not work for you. It, it can be a scary time.
but when you implement boundaries and have the conversations beforehand, then it can make this transition to parenthood just a little bit easier. and if you struggle with people pleasing, oh man, it can make setting boundaries even harder. And if you need help with that, I actually recorded an episode. Uh, it's episode one, and this gives you 10 tips for shedding your people-pleasing skin.
So in order to fulfill fulfilled and heard, implementing boundaries, I think is key. , make a list. Make a list of all of your boundaries. And if you aren't ready to, you know, talk to somebody about your boundaries in person, do it over the phone, like by calling them or text them, you know, if they keep bugging you about it.
because we all know pregnancy and postpartum can be such a whirlwind, and we don't need to add anything else to our plate that can't be taken care of ahead of time. So I suggest you do yourself a favor and set those boundaries asap. , I wanted to create this little shorty episode in hopes that it might help you create kind of like your bubble of peace in your pregnancy and your postpartum season.
And if you think this will help someone you know that also needs help to set boundaries, then feel free to share this episode with them. Now, I would love for you to take this quote as our parting gift walls. Keep everybody out. Boundaries, teach people where the door is. See you next week. Bye.
I really hope you enjoyed listening to this episode as much as I enjoyed creating it. Please subscribe so you don't miss any of the discussions on all of these hot topics. Head over to my Instagram at the Birth Junkie podcast to let me know what you thought about this episode. I can't wait to see you here next week.
Until next time, bye.
