The C-section To Start it All!

I dreaded this moment for the past 7 days, I walked up to my mom and said, “We need to talk.” She knew this was coming, every fiber in her body just knew what I needed to talk to her about.

We walked to the backyard because “she needed a cigarette for this conversation” and we sat down across from each other and I blurted out, “I’m pregnant!”

I could see the pain and dissapointment in her eyes, I felt like I had failed her. She always wanted me to do better than she did, have a better start at life than she did and yet here I was, 16 and pregnant. I never even wanted kids but I was now expecting my first while being a child myself. I didn’t know how to do this and I was nervous, scared, shameful and sad. My own aunt didn’t even want my cousin who is more like a sister, to hangout with me anymore. I was so embarrased that I had gotten pregnant so young that I even stopped hanging out with friends who I had known since elementary school, I couldn’t bare the thought of being judged for being a teenage mom.

I had no clue what I was doing so I just followed the media famous quotes I had heard like, “now you need to eat for two” “childbirth is natural, your body will know what to do” “just walk, no weightlifting because it’s dangerous.”

My Doctor was nice enough but every appointment felt rushed and I wasn’t comfortable enough to ask questions like, “is this normal?” or “should I take a childbirth class?” and the suggestion was never offered. I never felt inclined to tell her how scared I was to give birth and become a mom and that I had no idea what I was doing.

Luckily, even though I ate like crap and didn’t take care of myself, I had a pretty perfect pregnancy. Of course towards the end I was exhausted and felt huge but I started to get really excited about meeting this baby that my young body had created!

I was due on Febuary 19th, 2005 and I had it circled in red on my paper calendar that hung on my bedroom wall. It was surreal and I wasn’t ready, but I would now know how unconditional love feels for someone that my body created. I would have to stop being so selfish and keep a little person alive, it was daunting and at the same time thrilling.

My mom had gotten over her initial dissapointment and we were doing things together as she helped me prepare for this baby’s arrival. I hated my mom being upset with me because she’s my best friend so I did everything in my power to get back on her good side, I know she just didn’t want me to be a teen mom like her because she knew what struggles come along with it and didn’t want me to go through that.

Fast forward to my “due date” it came and I wasn’t stressing it, I was trying to enjoy the last moments before I’d have to experience long days and even longer nights of caring for a newborn. Febuary 21st, my baby’s father and I decided to go to San Francisco to celebrate a friends birthday it was an hour and a half away from where we had lived so we thought it was close enough not to worry in case I went into labor. That day we walked soooo much, it had to be miles and miles.

I was so exhausted by the time we got home which was close to midnight, I crashed so hard but woke up startled at about 5am because I felt wetness in my pants. I went to the bathroom, thought I peed myself from being so tired, cleaned myself up, put a pad in my new undies and went back to sleep. About an hour later I woke up to find I was wet again and my stomach was feeling crampy.

Oh my gosh, I’m in labor! I couldn’t believe it, I felt like I was pregnant for so long that this day would never come but then at the same time I started freaking out because, I wasn’t ready!

I wasn’t ready to feel contractions!

I wasn’t ready to birth a baby out of my vagina!

I wasn’t ready to give up my freedom!

I wasn’t ready to be a mom for the rest of my life from this point on!

I’m too young to be a mom!

All these negative thoughts and feelings flooded my mind and I started to resist what was happening in my body. My baby’s grandma who I was living with at the time suggested I take a shower and get my things ready to go to the hospital. I hadn’t even packed a hospital bag, I was truly in denial that I was having a baby.

I took a nice long, hot shower. It felt amazing and I didn’t want to get out. My baby’s dad came in and asked if I was okay? “Of course I was” said my people pleasing persona, even though I was screaming on the inside that no I’m not okay, I’m freaking out and I don’t think I can do this!

After I got dressed and packed a bag, we got in the car and drove to the hospital, the contractions weren’t bad, I could still talk through them and be fully present. When we got into the hospital, I felt so much resistance inside of me, I didn’t want to be there. It was cold, sterile and not comforting one bit, I just wanted my mom. My mom loved about an hour away but came immediately, I was so relieved to see her!

The doctor I had been seeing was on call, she checked me and I was about 2cm, I didn’t even understand what that number meant but they just said I needed to get to 10 so I felt discouraged that I still had so many centimeters to go. They put an IV in me and strapped the baby monitor to my belly. Everything felt unnatural and I felt disgusting and uncomfortable. I wanted to get up to walk but they encouraged me to stay in bed so they could monitor baby better which I agreed to because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t realize I had a right to say no and that my body was trying to tell me what to do but I ignored it to listen to this nurse telling me what to do.

Four hours later and I was 4cm,at this point I had been in labor for about 8 hours, I was exhausted but was trying to stay strong, my mom was by my side which I was so grateful for, she was putting washcloths on my head and helping me through each contraction. I overheard a nurse saying that I was young and my body wasn’t ready which fueled the doubt I was already having even more. Next thing I know the Doctor is in the room saying I needed a c-section because I wasn’t progressing and baby was having decelerations, I had no idea what that meant but she said baby needed to get out now. She said the baby’s life was in danger, so of course I freaked out even more and said, okay.

At this point in my life I was very trusting of doctors, I thought, well they did all this schooling they must know better than me! So here I was getting wheeled to the OR but nothing was rushed, it felt like they were taking their time which I didn’t understand since it was such an emergency to get baby out of me.

They prepped me for surgery, nobody really talked to me. They just told me what to do and I was terrified in this cold room with nobody I knew, getting ready to be sliced open to have my baby taken out of me.

After my legs and belly became numb, they told my baby’s father to go into the room but I actually wanted my mom to be there instead of him. Nobody makes you feel safe like your mom does.

It was obnoxious how the staff was talking amongst each other about how they were “going to dinner right after this” “this was section #3 for them for today” and on and on. I was annoyed that they were able to be so calm and carefree while my insides were being exposed to that stale OR room air.

It felt like forever but finally I heard this baby crying and then the dr raised a baby that they said was mine over that blue drape that separated the bottom half of my body from my top.

I couldn’t believe this moment had come, they quickly showed her to me and then wisked her off to be suctioned, weighed, measured and poked. I wanted them to bring her to me so bad so I could get a closer look. They took what felt like hours even though it may have been about 10 minutes. She was so wrapped up that I couldn’t get a good enough look to count her fingers and toes. I couldn’t move much either because they were still sewing me back together. They wheeled me into recovery and I didn’t know what to do, I could barely move after having this major abdominal surgery and I was expected to navigate how to care for this newborn.

I was so ecstatic to be done with the labor part of this journey but now I had to heal from this surgery that I never anticipated having while caring for this precious new baby. I thought my body would just birth this baby and that’s it, we’d be blissfully in love.

Man was this a rocky start and I felt so alone. I was bleeding, in pain, had sore nipples and couldn’t get this baby to stop crying long enough for me to take a shower. Nobody told me it would be like this and that I would mourn my childhood in ways I would’ve never anticipated.

We survived, but barely 🤪 and now I have a beautiful, kind, loving and helpful 17 year old that I couldn’t imagine my life without! If it wasn’t for that horrendous experience then I wouldn’t have the passion I do now for birth work and helping as many moms as possible prepare for their pregnancy and postpartum journey. We all deserve to be supported in every season we’re in with no judgement because we’re all trying to figure it out and it’s not easy, no matter what age you are!