Changing Societal Norms and Meeting Your Inner Child
Shiloh Minor is a happily married woman and Mom of 2 small, wild boys. She is a love and marriage coach for women by trade and a granola-crunchy rural-living sauna enthusiast by hobby. She is an Enneagram 7, ENFJ who enjoys the inner adventure of spiritual and emotional development. She is a cycle breaker and supporter of others doing the same!
Overview of our chat:
2 VERY different birth stories
How kids change your relationship with your partner
Importance of being able to pivot from your original plan
Her exciting second birth story that involves the cops
Precipitous Labor & Fetal ejection reflex
Meeting your inner child and healing her to have a better relationship with yourself and your partner
Connect with Shiloh ⤵️
Instagram: @shilohthelovecoach
Facebook: Shiloh Minor
Email: shilohminor@gmail.com
Don't forget to subscribe to the Birth Junkie Podcast for more empowering conversations and insights on all things birth-related.
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✨ Check out the transcript here! Changing Societal Norms and Taking Charge of Your Happiness as “not just a mom”
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Transcript:
I want you to get ready to embark on a transformative journey, where there's no more suffering in silence, no more conforming to outdated societal norms. This is the podcast where we dare to crush those societal expectations and embrace the realities of pregnancy and parenthood with one honest conversation at a time.
It's time for us to rise above the shadows and ignite a movement towards a happier, more fulfilled world for every parent and child. If that's you and you're ready to challenge the status quo and embark on this incredible journey with me, then podcast. I'm joined today by Shiloh.
And Shiloh is a happily married woman and mom of two small wild boys. I love that. She is a love and marriage coach for women by trade and a granola crunchy, rural living sauna enthusiast by hobby. Oh, love a sauna. She is an Enneagram seven who enjoys the inner adventure of Spiritual and emotional development.
She is a cycle breaker and supporter of others doing the same. Yes, please. Let us change those cycles. Amen. Yeah. So let's go ahead and dive into a little more deeper into who you are and what brought you to this. Mm hmm. Um, so I, like I said, there I'm a love and marriage coach. So in my work, I help women get the love and support they need.
I help high achieving women. Stop being the martyr who do it all and burn out and be the adored, well loved, supported woman, right? So she can live her life and enjoy it and have pleasure. And partly that is so we can break that cycle from mothers and grandmothers just stuffing it down, doing it all.
Ensure children that this is how a healthy relationship works so that they can have a model. So that really inspires me, that lineage. And then what inspires me about the birth story is that I came to all of this by way of being obsessed with giving my children the best possible start in life. And you know, that's the granola crunchy thing and attachment parenting and I wanted midwives and all those things.
Um, and I still love all of that. And I see that as the sort of, you know, the, there's the side where we are so focused on our children and we want to provide that absolutely immaculate thing. And then there's the part where we need a partnership and support to do that. And sometimes that part gets totally forgotten.
And then it comes back later and destroys our lives. So I like to help people remember that part's pretty important too. Gosh, I love that. And I love because there's so many like generational structures that I feel like need to be broken down because so much of it was based on the woman holds all of the house stuff.
So the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, all the things. And now in this newer society, It's just not really possible where two parents, they typically have to both work. So why should all the load still be falling on us? Like, yeah, so it's, it's time to break those cycles. Yes, completely. And I would say that women, you know, wanted to do different things with our lives.
And now economic realities are what they are, but men didn't get the memo. Like, they were like, what, what are we doing differently? Like, yeah, I didn't know. And so each individual woman in her own life. Kind of has this task of like, oh, I have to speak up like my mother's generations never did. There was just roles handed to you that you just acted out.
We have these modern problems, which are good problems because we have more freedom, but we have no template for how to deal with that situation. Exactly. Yeah. And then, so how does this play into, like, your personal journey into motherhood? Did that kind of help push you towards this? Oh, yes, completely. So, um, I had a very idealistic notion of family and motherhood and marriage that I was probably perfectionistic as well as somehow I'm going to get it right and it's going to be Perfect and beautiful all the time, or at least most of the time.
And I had been a nanny and read all the books and I was even a Montessori teacher. So I was just setting myself up for a massive face plant. Those of you who are mothers have experienced this. Um, and so when, you know, motherhood was very difficult and it wasn't what I expected in terms of ease or me knowing what to do or managing my children easily and it had massive effect on my marriage as children do, which I didn't see, I didn't know how to navigate that either.
So the, the children woke me up to rage. The stuff I had stuffed down because I saw myself as a positive, easygoing, not easygoing, a stretch, more intense, but a positive intense to like, oh, there's a lot of dark intensity here and I've got to face this because it's I'm miserable and I'm clearly making the people around me miserable.
And so there was a level of accountability and maturity that my children initiated me into. And I feel like, oh my gosh, I resonate with this so much because I feel like after every child that I had, because I have four kids, it was like a different type of darkness that I never even thought I had in me.
And It made me kind of scared, like, Oh my gosh, why is this coming out? Like, and it's not obviously pointed towards the kids. Like it's not because of the kids, but it's, it's having the kids that brought that out because it made us face these different decisions that we weren't prepared to face. Yeah.
They reveal it in you. It's like, it's your stuff, but they're going to point that mirror at you relentlessly until you own it. Yeah. And you can blame your husband. That's one of the ways Women's tried to get out of it. And , that's where I realized I was doing that. Mm-hmm. , he's not responding the way I want.
He's not helping the way I want. Why doesn't he get it Right? Nobody gets it. I'm cute child. Wounding, no cares what I think. Nobody cares who I feel. It's no fair. It's no fair. It's no fair. And I thought, Oh, like I didn't think this, but I reached out and got a mentor, and it was like, Chello, you're a grown woman, like you can literally do whatever you want tomorrow.
And that's what I come back to, because the victim mindset's insidious, it can sneak in, it's great to have a pity party for yourself, makes you feel very self righteous. And I feel like society, um, women are in such a funny position in society because we are trashed and pedestalized at the same time. So, it's like, yeah, men are, men don't get it, women always get it.
And it's like, no, we don't always get it. Often our BS is also at play. We're human. Yes, exactly. That was like, that darkness part of like, oh, this really stems from a need to be right. And a self righteousness and a good girl getting the stars kind of, kind of identity that has buoyed me up through my youth and now I got to face my whole self, my darkness, my pride, my inability to admit, you know, sometimes when I'm wrong or deal with the fact that my family's not perfect, my parenting's not perfect, et cetera.
So yeah, I really now resonate with like the shadow work and the, the. I see the healing for women coming from going there. Yes. Yeah. And that's so important that you touch on that because as I've been doing this podcast, like I created it because I was struggling hardcore. And I was like, I cannot be the only one.
Like, I felt like I had to be this perfect picturesque, you know, family do all the things and I was felt like I was drowning and I've talked to other moms, you know, and I was getting the same thing and I was like. Why is nobody talking about this? Like, why are we drowning by ourselves? Why are we suffering in silence?
Like, let's come together, be real, and let's lift each other up and, like, put our face into that darkness and deal with it and figure out how to deal past it. Yes, it's, it's so true. That's even with my work, like my marriage suffered after the two kids and I was like, he's a good guy. I'm a good woman. We don't have any major reasons to like not be connecting.
I mean, we're tired and don't sleep. That's a pretty major reason. But in my head, I was like, How can, if we can't work, how can anybody work, is what I was thinking. And when I figured out how to make it work, I had the same thought as you, I was like, there has to be so many women out there who are like, I've got a good guy, like, I don't even, I don't even feel okay complaining about it.
Because other people have big problems in their marriage. So how now do I ask for help or where is the help for people like me? We've got it pretty good. We are privileged. We are grateful. But like actually our soul is dying inside. Yes. Those are the people who get divorced and everybody says, Oh my god, we never saw it coming.
They were such a beautiful family. Like that happens all the time now. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. It's so true. It's sad. It's really sad. Um, so I feel like we need to change that narrative, like let's get out of that. Cuz it is ridiculous to have this like perfect persona and there is no perfect. Like how can you be We have kids.
Like kids are, kids are kids. I say they're chaos embodied. Yes. Okay. So I would love for you to place us in your first birth story if you would. That's awesome. So my first, I'm like so excited to have a baby because like I met my husband right before 30 and I've been wanting to have a baby for like eight years.
I was like, yay baby, yay, yay, yay. And um, we get pregnant, we're leaving in the high arctic in Nunavut, so it's 92 degrees north. I get pregnant, super morning sick, super exhausted, and I'm like, I can't work, I can't do women do this? I don't even understand it. We left there, and we moved to rural Nova Scotia, and I had the most beautiful pregnancy.
I did not have a job, I was floating in the river, being like an earth mama. I never felt so blissed out in my life because I didn't feel anxious to accomplish things. I was like, I'm growing a baby here. This is awesome. Um, and I had the bad, bad motion sickness in the first three months. So like, I remember when I was pregnant, I was like, Oh, people are like, Oh, it's only three months.
I was like, yeah, only three months of feeling like you're going to die. Like, this is a huge deal. Morning sickness. I just want to puke every second. One day I ate a whole roast beef when my husband was at work and I was like, what did you do? It's like, it's all I can eat. Salty meats. But it was really lovely and I had read all the books.
I was like, I'm going to have midwives and doula and I'm going to have a baby at home. And then I found out you can't have babies at home in my county because they don't have midwives there. And I was like, oh, my God, this is the stupidest province. Why did we move here? And then 1 of his colleagues, his wife was actually a midwife and she told us we could use her house.
So, we can get the midwives from that county to serve me. So I literally planned a home birth in somebody else's home so that I can pull this off. Wow. Because I have no other kid, right? So I'm, I'm idealizing and maximizing in every, in every single way I can manage, except I couldn't keep up like the ideal eating.
I just ate like potato chips and roast beef because I was so sick and it was the only thing that felt good. But my body felt pretty good after the first trimester all the way to the end. So I felt like really lucky. So we go to this house. Um, so anyways, going to labor at like, you know, two in the morning.
And I'm like, okay, I've heard you got to be chill. Like it takes a while. We're not going to panic because it's difficult. I'm like, no, I didn't have to go. So like about nine in the morning, I'm like, okay, I'm supposed to have food. So I'm not hungry. And then we're going to go. So he makes me like eggs and toast.
I eat it. I puke it out. That didn't work. So we get in the car, we drive to this house and the midwives. Amazing. Like two older women who've been like thousands of births. Plus, I had a doula who has five kids and had delivered like three of her own kids at home. And I think I was pushing, not pushing, but like in labor for like about ten hours.
And then transition into pushing, but pushing lasted for five hours and it was like hard push as hard as you can pushing and I started getting the stabbing pain. This is something I want people to know in case it's weird they have. So I started getting a stabbing pain kind of like. In your groin on the side, like maybe where you think your ovaries are, and I couldn't tolerate that pain.
I could do all the other pain, like natural, I was handling it, it was hard, but I was handling it, but that pain was like stabbing every time I pushed, and nobody could figure out what was happening to me, but all my vitals and everything were fine, so they were like, hey, like hang in there. So, newsflash on that one, I was getting a hernia from pushing.
Oh my gosh. It felt like a ligament tear. It had that, like, yeah. So that was like, oh my gosh, like, this kid's got a huge head. Everyone in my family, my husband's family, have huge heads. So, I had to really, really, really push that baby out. I tore up only a little bit. And he came out, and he was healthy. He cried.
He was wonderful. And we got to hang out at that house for three days, just like, naked and in our jogging pants. And then, and the, The midwives would check in on us, intermittently, weigh the baby, like, chat to us about nursing. It was just like... Everything that I dreamed midwives would be like, it was so lovely and I was like, at that time I was like a raging advocate for like making everybody have midwives and then I had a kid and all my energy for any kind of political activism went right out the window.
But like, I still find it an absolute travesty that not everyone gets access to a midwife. And the doula, like she was just like helping with everything and bringing snacks and my husband afterward was like, you know, at one point the midwives got hungry and they had a sandwich and I was like, you know, everything's all right.
When the midwives were like, Hey, let's just have a break. Just the energy was so joyful and relaxed. And like, we've been here, done this. And someone was with me every moment. They didn't leave me alone. They didn't go home. They were just like camped out in this bed. Beautiful. No, yeah, it was absolutely amazing.
And then I got up the next day and my breasts were four times larger than they had been. Mm hmm. And I'm like at AA and I was just like, what happened? Like, I look weird. Sidebar. One of those things again I didn't expect. I just woke up and my lord, they look straight out of Torpedoes. Yeah. And hurt and hard and full.
And bought my baby. He nursed pretty well. And, um, The story with him is that I was going to attachment parent him like he was going to be stuck to me and he was going to be so emotionally regulated because I was just so on him. That kid does not sleep. And is the most out of control, energetic, emotionally dysregulated human you have ever met.
Wow. So that was my first initiation into you cannot control the outcome. Right. You don't get to craft a child by your behavior. Mm hmm. That was a tough pill to swallow. Probably still is. I'm still working on it. But like, it made me angry about attachment parenting. Mm hmm. Because I think it's an oversold case.
I think it's wonderful. I did it with my second as much as I could, but overselling the results in my opinion. Yeah. And it definitely does not work for everybody. Like you said, every child is different. Every parent child relationship is different. And yeah, it sounds beautiful and perfect, but it's not like that's just the reality of it.
Yeah. Yeah. And hard to do the more children you have, right? Oh, heck yeah. So it's again, idealized first. You imagine how that will work, and then it's like you can never do that again the same way. Right, and I think that a lot of parenting is pivoting. There's so much pivoting, because you could have like, this beautiful, well thought out plan, but I know with every single one of my kids, I had changed my plan every single time.
So true. Or like I'll go to my husband and I'll be like, you know how I said this is how we should parent? Well, I read this different book and I think that was wrong. So I'm sorry. We're doing completely differently now. I like just eating crow like over and over and over again. Same here. Okay. So after that, you know, postpartum journey, um, how soon after you had that baby, did you have your second?
So they're almost exactly two years apart, which is what we wanted. So that was good. And, um, when I got pregnant with the second one, Same thing, like deadly morning sickness, but now I had an insane toddler peering about my house, and that was miserable because I couldn't keep up, and my emotional regulation went out the window completely, because I felt like I had the flu for three months.
And then, when I got into my second trimester, I started having really strong Braxton Hicks. Where I was like, what's going on here? These don't, you know, you've had one baby, you know, that it's not quite that intense. So, you know, I went to the doctors and stuff and they were like, Hmm, they hooked me up, told machines.
And they were like, yeah, these are contractions, but you're not in labor. You could go into early labor. You're two centimeters dialing. So you're going to have to like take it easy. Oh, right. How will I be taking it easy with my two year old that was so stressful. I was like, how am I going to take it easy with my two year old?
I literally was so lucky. I had some neighbors who would come get him different neighbors, you know, in the mornings and take him out. But even even with that, it was super scary because I felt like if I exerted myself and ran or did anything, I might induce early labor. And my last paper was so easy that I was like, oh, I thought I had this down like my body knows and um, so that was Awful.
I had two false alarms going to the hospital. So, I said to my husband, I don't think I can do this whole scheme of going to someone else's house to have a kid when we have a two year old. This is not going to work. So, I'm an experienced mother. I'll just go to the hospital. I just won't let anybody mess with me or do anything they don't want to do.
I don't want to do. We'll bring the same doula. She's a firecracker. She knows all the nurses. Like, I'll be covered, right? Because I was really nervous about being pressured the first round. But I was like, that won't happen. I've, I've got my mama bear in me now. Um, so that was it. So I've been going to the hospital.
The hospital is about an hour away because we're rural. So that was like, not ideal either. Right. I didn't like any of that, but I was like, okay. So we went a couple of times, even stayed overnight because they were like, you could go into labor because my contractions were like really painful. Like my belly would get so hard that it would hurt and just be like a bowling ball.
You know, I'd be like, this is really hard. And around, I think it was around 32 weeks or something really dropped. So I had crazy pain in my pelvis. It was like the baby was dropped, but I was weeks out, not fully dilated, not having real contractions. So the complete opposite of my first, where it was just like, now the daisies, now I was like both in pain and worried that my baby would come too early and like, wouldn't be developed and God knows what else could be wrong.
Right. And. Already experiencing emotional, I would call it depression now because I was just unhappy every day because of the stress and the kid, right? Not clinical depression, but sad every day. Um, and then I was talking to women, you know, and they're like, you know, your second can come a lot faster than your first.
And I was like, yeah, I've heard that. And I was like, my first was a pretty standard, like 15 hours. That seemed pretty normal. This one, maybe two or three hours for, you know, different people had telling me, you know, I love how women come around you and tell you all their birth stories when you're pregnant.
Yeah. Nobody did say it otherwise, but if you're pregnant, they start telling you all their stories, which... I really wish people did that when you weren't pregnant, like, I wish it wasn't somehow, like, I feel like women have this thing, like, mothers have a thing with non mothers, where it's like, we don't want to scare them, and it's like, it's the facts, they're going to go through it anyways, let them have some variety of stories.
If you tell them yours, you know that not everyone is going to have whatever extreme example, but it could happen to them, right? Um, and so that's why I tell my story in some ways because mine is so different and it's something to be aware of. So, um, they said the baby can come early. Get up to 40 weeks.
Hasn't come. So I've been pins and needles for weeks and weeks worrying about this early labor. Baby drop. You know when your whole pelvis is just like in flame? Mm. And gross. And you're like, disgusting. Yeah. So long, you can't sleep. Everything feels gross. Your hips are all weird. Yep. Um, so 40 weeks comes along and I'm like, you've got to be kidding me.
My first came at 37 weeks. So again, the patterns are all being broken completely. They always say your second one comes earlier than your first and all these stories, so we'll get to 40 weeks doesn't come and you know, me, I'm not inducing. I'm not sweeping. I'm nothing. I'm like, this baby is getting their own ride.
It's so committed. But now I'm at 40 weeks. I get to 41 weeks, and I'm on the phone with my sister, 12 at night, and I'm like, so sick of this thing, like, I have to have this baby, I'm like, restless, pacing around, now I realize I was like a cow, but if I had to have a baby, wander around the house, not sleeping, um, but I was like, maybe I should go in, at least get a sweep, that's not that big of a deal, I should at least go in and get a sweep, it's 41 weeks, we know it's not too early, and then I go to the bathroom, my water breaks, And I'm like, and my water with my first didn't break until I was pushing, like it's shot across the room.
I was pushing him out after transition by the time the water broke. So now my water breaks. So this first time I experienced that, and I was like, Oh, water broke. Hey, let's go. All my neighbors, they get there in 10 minutes, get my husband, get in the car. And we're driving to the hospital, like late at night, raining dark November, and we're speeding.
And I'm like, like contractions are hard. I'm not handling it and we'll call up my doula and she's like, okay, you know, I'll meet you at this exit. We'll drive to the hospital together and then we get pulled over by the cops. It was like a movie. I was, I was losing my mind because my contractions are so strong.
I can barely sit in a chair. Cops, I hear it and I go, just keep going. My husband's like, I can't keep going. He's going to like shoot us for something. I'm like, okay, fine. So we pull over and. I sit there for a minute and then I go, Oh my God, cops wait in their cars for like 15 minutes sometimes. You know, they sit back there and write their stuff.
They don't even know what's happening. Like, we can't do that. We cannot wait. So I get out of my car door and I'm like, I'm screaming in the dark. My son's like, yeah, the I car. Cop comes up to the window and he's like, My husband's like, well, you know, yeah, sir, that's not my problem, sir, that's not my problem.
Like he's, he's all frazzled because we're this irate, crazy people in the car. And then finally he gets it right. He sees what's happening. And my husband's saying, having a baby, having a baby, having a baby like right now. And he's like, okay, get in the car. I'll like, I'll like guide you. So then he gets in front of us.
So the light turns on the lights. And I call my doula again, because my husband's like, you don't seem good, like you should call her again. I was like, I don't care, we're just going, right? You know, you're pregnant, you're in labor, you don't give a shit. Oh yeah. Anything. You're like, no, everybody can go to hell, right?
Oh, yeah. I'm in that mode already. And he's like, no, no, no, we've got to call her. And I'm like, you call her, you call her. So he calls her. And she hears my groans and she's like, you're not making it. Just from the sound. This is the doula testimony of a lifetime, by the way. She's like, you're not making it because of the sounds you're making.
You pull over at the next exit, I'll meet you there. So we pull over at this exit in Nova Scotia, like old gas station, Tim Hortons or whatever. And my husband, I kid you not, he's like, where should we stop? Where should we stop at this picnic table? So I'm like... Stop the car. Like, I don't make the decisions.
What are you doing? Because I can, I'm like, the baby's coming out. The baby's coming out right now. So, these are the things you see in movies and you think are not real. But they are. Yeah. So, we, he comes over, he opens my door. I said, get the bolster. So, I had like a bolster for like my great hospital experience.
I'm like, put it under my knees. I literally am hands and knees, knees outside the car, arms on the seat. Baby's coming out. I didn't push. I didn't try. My body did that labor. His head came out and then literally the doula comes screeching and like catches the rest of the baby. Oh my gosh. That does sound like a scene out of a movie.
I know. His head came out and then he stopped. And my husband panicked. He was like, push. You don't push when there's no push. But I didn't realize until later he didn't want to scare me. But he thought that, like, he's not a doula. He thought the baby was stuck. He thought there was a problem. He's totally traumatized by this whole event.
Like, it's not, husbands are not made for that stuff. Right. In my opinion. But, so, the baby... Not even done yet. Head is out. She will come. So basically one pouch, the head came out. Next, when it's whole body came out. This is 45 minutes from when my water broke. Whoa. That is fast. I went into full labor transition.
It all happened at the same time. That's why they were such painful contractions. I kept thinking, if this is how they are now, how am I thought they were early contractions. Like my first, but no, the intensity of them was like late. We're having this baby right now. He catches the baby. He's not moving. I look back at the baby.
He's lived nothing. And I'm like, what's happening? She's like, it's okay. Don't worry. And I just trusted her. Like, I was just like, Oh, she says, okay, I'm not going to worry. So she like sucked the mucus out of him. Got him breathing, essentially, and the whole back patting and rubbing and stuff. My husband was patting the baby.
She's like, just not that hard. Get it, go. He's thinking adult TPR, right? You got to be a little strong. Right. Long story short, baby's totally fine, but could have died if our doula was not there. Oh my goodness. Because we wouldn't have known what to do. And she said this happens all the time. He was still attached to the umbilical cord.
He was getting oxygen. Babies get stunned when they have these really quick births. They're not, you know, it kind of does something to them when they're not ready for it. Um, they don't get all that squeezing for the lungs and stuff. I get in the back seat, deliver the placenta. My umbilical cord was like a meter long.
Whoa. It was like pulling the baby over here and I was like, out in the car. Wow. So, all of these things worked out somehow, right? Because I was, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, but she said that wasn't a problem, it was just there, around the neck. Um, and then all the cops and all the EMTs are there and like, Oh my God, it's happening.
And of course, the emergency vehicles don't make it there until we're all done. But then I get into the ambulance and they let us all lie in there and they drove the three of us to the hospital. And did a million tests on him. And they're like, we're taking him to the ICU. We're like, not without us. So we like all slept in the ICU together next to his little thing.
And he had all the equipment on to test his oxygen levels. So hard, they did so many feet pricks, and this is, hospitals, the way they wake you up in the middle of the night to check your baby, ought to be illegal. Yeah. It is the stupidest, most useless, ridiculous thing. The nurse comes in, and I'm like, Like, uh, I need to come in these times, these times.
And I said, look, I'm going to call you when I wake up. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to have to nurse. I'll call you. We have to come in and in. So if I wake up that one, I go back to sleep. You're going to come in and dare to wake me. I was so surly and salty to those nurses because they're sheep. Yeah.
Can you not make a game call here and like, The vitals are okay. Anyways, this, this reinforced my love for the home birth and the midwives and the doulas because they're humans. They're not robotically fulfilling a protocol and they have a lot more experience delivering babies. Cause that's all they do.
Yeah. Is the ultimate reason to be doing this, right? They're more experienced, they're more practiced. And in Canada, I don't know if it's like this in the States. In Canada, nobody wants to deliver babies. Because it's the messy, unpredictable work of coming up at all times of the day and night. And you have these people called doulas and midwives who are saying, please let me be on call because I want to serve one.
Yeah. But no, let's, let's keep them outside the doors. That's so crazy. So where you are, they don't, do they allow doulas and midwives into the hospital? The doulas can go wherever they want. I, yes, so what they've done is they, they used to have what happens, this is Nova Scotia, Canada in British Columbia, Alberta, which are Western, which are more modern, way more integrated.
They have the whole thing. But that's why I was shocked because I came from British Columbia over to Nova Scotia and I was like, what is this backwater? And in Nova Scotia, they had midwives all through Nova Scotia and then the midwives actually asked to be regulated so they can be part of the process.
And that was the death. Now, because once they were regulated, they didn't get the support from the mainstream system. So, they have, like, 2 or 3 counties where they can be in the hospitals and they do stuff and they're just not allowed to practice anywhere else. Oh, wow. Yeah, because I know I had, uh, interviewed somebody before and she's from Calgary, Canada.
And she said that she had to apply for a midwife and she, like, was praying that she got approved because she wanted a home birth as well. And she did, but I was like, oh, you can't just go out and hire one? That's... Right. So yeah, that's the, that's the downsides of the public system is it's free, but there's not enough of anything.
And there's always a bottleneck and a wait list. And I can see how they do that, because I, like, I don't, um, my husband's from Alberta, which is where Calgary is. What they probably do is they screen for high risk birth and don't give the midwives. Oh. I bet that's what they're doing, because they're saying, well, if you're gonna need an obstetrician anyways, we're gonna give you the midwife if you're low risk.
That was one thing my midwife said that really soothed me, that I wish more mainstream people knew, is I said, well, what if there's a complication and we don't make it to the hospital? And they said that has literally never happened to us, because if you're high risk, we'll be at the hospital, right? It's not going to be like, oh, my God, something happened.
And we're unprepared. Like, they have all the medical equipment for that type of thing. And then if you are somebody who it's likely not to work, you know, to have some kind of complication, they just won't allow you to have it at home. They'll be like, yeah, we'll be with you, but in the hospital. So because, and also, you know, I was.
geriatric birth by the time of my second, but they're like, you're healthy and fine. So who cares if you're 35? Right. I know. And that drives me nuts how after you're 35, you're geriatric. Like what? I know the language is so inflammatory. You're like, how dare you call me geriatric now? So ridiculous. So, oh my gosh, your labor.
So, I've heard of precipitous labor because that's, you know, like the term that they use for it. Yeah, but oh my gosh, 45 minutes. Holy cow. So, after that experience, how did you feel? Because that sounded like a whirlwind. I was so happy. That it was so fast. I was like, Oh, my God, I just had a baby in three, five minutes.
Everyone else was shell shocked. And I was like, got my baby and all done. Like, I felt like it was some kind of great blessing because the whole thing was so scary. And then it was just over. Yeah. Yes. Over. And I did tear. That's annoying, but my first, my whole body hurt for six weeks because I had to push and my whole pelvis was wrecked and my whole back hurt and this baby I felt like a million bucks because it just happened in 45 minutes.
Wow, I didn't have to put any muscle into it. Yeah, weird like it was kind of great for me in that side of it because it ended well and I was like, okay, this, I, you know, I had no choice. It was also a very, um, In, in a sense of fascinating experience of our animal nature, like that baby was happening to me, and there was no choice in the matter.
That was really interesting. It's always like that when you give birth to a degree, but this was like the whole thing was like that. Yeah, so did you actually push? Because it sounds like you experienced fetal ejection reflex, which is when the baby just comes out without you even trying to push. That's exactly what happened.
So how did that feel for you? Because I've heard people say it feels like, like, this might be like a nasty, like, way to say it, but they feel like they're throwing up involuntarily from the other end, obviously. Yeah, it is like that. Body is just taken over. Mm hmm. It just keeps, it's just going, it's just going, and you're just contracting.
And, like, when I was sitting in that car, I could feel his head starting to come out. And I was like, this baby's gonna come out, like, in this chair if I don't move. So yeah, I didn't know that term for it. That's interesting. I knew the precipitous birth because my doula has had five kids. And by the time she had her third, she knew nobody would ever make it.
And by the time her fifth, it was 15 minutes. And she resuscitated her own on her third. So she does the whole thing because nobody can make it to your house, even if, whatever you do. But she did great, five kids, and all fine. But yeah, she has, and her first I think was, you know, normal ish. But then her second was down to two hours and then it got shorter from there.
Wow, that is amazing. So then how was your postpartum journey from there? Because now you had this crazy fast birth and then you have your two year old. So how was that coming home to him? Oh man, it was a whirlwind. I'm trying to remember it all. We went home, this is so bad, we went home and my baby slept and I was like, I got a sleeper, hooray!
And then I was like, he has jaundice, that's why he speaks like that. So I thought I just had the most docile, easiest, but it was because he's a jaundiced. So we went back to the hospital and I was like, yay, a holiday. So, you know, I laid in the bed while he basked in his little sun bed. And, um, my husband thankfully had paternity leave.
So he was home to, to wrangle the older one while I dealt with the smaller one. Which again, I thought would make everything easy. But of course your child wants you. And they're going through this big rejection thing. And so my oldest, who had been, you know, super attached and on me all the time. I'm in.
I'm in. Never had to give me up for anything really, was now seeing this other child always on my lap, always at my breast, you know, stuck to me and was super acting out because of it. Um, and my second, even though he was a relatively even temperament child, had so many food sensitivities that I got mastitis like three times and I had to whittle down my diet to chicken and rice and apple before I calmed down.
So that was, again, totally unexpected and unpredicted because I didn't have it with my first. And totally rejected by the medical system. No, the nothing is through the middle and blah blah, don't worry about that. But, my kid's face would turn red. Like he'd get red splotches here and here. And he would goop, goop, goop.
But he wouldn't spit up. He's not a spitter upper, he's not that kind of kid. But he would get this green spray poo. foam, rash that you just worst rash ever. So he was having all this discomfort and nursing wasn't soothing him because it was increasing the agitation as I nurse. So he wouldn't fully empty and he would not latch grade.
And so that was, again, I was just like, what is this now? This is really hard, but I do have to say that when I was not sleeping at all and I was trying to nurse my second, I sat up so many nights. I experienced rock bottom of humanity for myself, and I learned to take responsibility and own my experience on a level that I never had before.
And really is how I am today, like how I became a love coach. I asked, I tried to get a parent coach for my oldest because everything was going crazy. And she introduced me to like, hey, you're not a victim. There's this thing called emotional self regulation and self responsibility, and your inner child is having a big tantrum right now.
She was not happy with the card she was dealt. Um, so that, yeah, I think that's the story. And that's a lot, and I love that you talked about inner child, because I feel like so much of the way that we react or interact with the world stems from our childhood. Thank And a lot of us ignore that, I feel like, because, you know, we're like, well, we're past that stage, you know, it can't be affecting me now, I'm an adult, you know, I know all the things or whatever, but it's, it's important to go back and, like, really sit with that inner child so you can figure out what is going on and how is the best way that we can navigate this new journey of parenthood.
Like, oh my gosh, it is so, so much more in depth than I think we let ourselves believe. Right, right. And I felt that too. Like, I had this kind of narrative of like, well, why is this so hard for me? Shouldn't this just be a thing? My mom had four kids, other women had like ten. Like, what's my problem? Why do I have all these feelings?
And I think what you said is so true is that in this modern time where roles are up for grabs, where women don't have communal support, they don't have mothers and grandmothers and aunties. We are put into a crucible essentially of pressure where yeah, it's different and it is harder and there's no guide rails.
You could, you could have 10 different people tell you 10 different ways to do it. So now what are you going to do? What are you going to do? What do you do now? What are you going to do now? And what I always tell people with inner child is that anytime you hear yourself saying something, Always and never.
Nobody listens to me. That's your inner child. And you're saying it's not fair. That's your inner child. You're saying it shouldn't be like this. That's your inner child. Because this is how it is. This is reality. And it isn't always bad, but your inner child has no nuance. An adult, healthy woman can say, you know what, this part of parenting makes me want to poke my eyeballs out.
And this part is like the most heartwarming thing in the world. And the tension between that is kind of excruciating, but like, I'm going to try and embrace all of it. But your inner child is going to be like, I suck at this, my kids hate me, I'm a crap mom. Like, why don't we even try? And that's kind of like.
Just throw it all in the bin kind of attitude. That's your inner child or your inner teen but, you know, that's your inner child trying to get her voice heard. And so you don't need to have like insane trauma with a capital T to have your inner child be acting up and frankly will destroy your life if you don't give her attention.
Because a child should not be running your marriage and your children. Exactly. So gosh, this we could go so deep with this. And I love all this talk because I've had to sit with my inner child really deeply like this, my fourth baby, I just felt so like, out of sorts, and I didn't realize where it was coming from.
And it created like this. This almost like a barrier between like my husband and I, and I just felt like, why don't you understand me? Why don't you get this? But I never actually like voiced things to him. I just kind of like assumed he should know these things. And I think that just really like it put like that wedge or barrier between us.
And once I started sitting with my inner child, cause I was acting like a child, I like exactly like you said. Um, those words that you used are key because it's like we have to think about like what the words like our kids use for us. And that is a, that is that sign. Right. Okay. So is that kind of what like brought you to um, marriage counseling and like diving into that work?
Yeah, I, um, when I learned about. Creating emotional safety in myself and providing emotional safety to my children. I went, Oh, that's what I'm not doing in my marriage. Right? I'm dumping emotionally. I'm blaming and criticizing. I'm, I'm just, you know, like, I feel like that. Just let it all out. Just being an inner child and, and in a way expecting him to be the adult.
Right. And this is how the inner child. is trying to get their needs met, right? I didn't have an adult hold space for me, so you, my husband, need to hold space for me like you're my dad. And if you can't, you're a jerk, because my dad is jerky. Like, it's like that, that projection of like, now you have to meet this.
And I admit, when I started doing the work, there was a lot of resistance of like, why should I have to be the adult? You should have to be the adult. And, oh, okay. Yeah, that's how a child feels. Because they shouldn't have to be the adult. So the part of me that had to be an adult when I was a child was not impressed with this play.
And she needed a lot of validation. Like I did it every night for a season where I would listen to her every night, all her complaints, all her ranting and raving and sadness and just be like, yeah, it is hard. This is not fun. Like this is a tough season and I get it. And it was so cool because that process built so much resilience.
We're now like, I try to explain this to people, but once you have this piece of relating to yourself. Nothing scares you anymore. Like things scare you for a minute, but then you go, oh wait, that's just a feeling. That's fear. I can sit with fear. It won't kill me. Exactly. So then how did you navigate that with your husband?
What did that process look like for you guys? So, It started with me, honestly, just backing off because I was the pursuer, like, read this book, do this work, we should have date nights, why don't we talk more, right? Because I'm an initiator, I'm a communicator, that was the only tool I had, right? Just go after him and get him to get it.
That wasn't working naturally. But at the time I thought I'm doing everything right. I'm a communicator, right? And you don't get it and you don't have any skills and now I realize like yeah I might have been more verbal than he was but I was not communicating effectively most of the time or vulnerably or from a place of Responsibility and respectfulness.
I was blaming and throwing, it was not clean communication, throwing all kinds of other stuff in there So I stopped and that's what I do with my clients. I'm like you just gotta stop for a bit Because you gotta stop the bleeding. Like the relationship is wrong. There's lack of trust. There's lack of safety.
You don't just go the next day and be like, but now I'm communicating better. Like he's not going to hear you because he can expect you coming at him with the same energy you did yesterday. So there's a season to let the wounds heal. And this is where you learn self responsibility. You don't bring every single thing to his feet.
You God forbid, drop dead tomorrow, got in his fall, he didn't leave, he didn't cheat on you, but you're just on your own. How are you going to handle all those feelings? What would you do? How are you going to do it? And, and I find that doing that stops that knee jerk of like, if he would, then I wouldn't feel this way.
But I wouldn't have this problem if he didn't. You know, we quickly always project it back out on him. And it always becomes he's the source of it or he's the cause of it, right? And so we, so I started by not doing that, by really just Backing off, focusing on myself, healing myself, and appreciating him.
Just only positive stuff. What about the fact that he has been sitting through my crazy, and not retaliating? And even though he might be kinda grumpy and quiet, he's showing up for the kids, he's showing up for me, all that stuff. This whole toxic meme about you shouldn't have to thank for the bare minimum needs to go.
There's no such thing as bare minimum. Every single thing a person does for you, they don't have to do for you. And when we say, Oh, don't thank them. Cause I do that too. It's like, no, just be grateful. Like, this is the man who you were like, Oh my God, I met my person. Like, remember those days. And I get to have babies now, and he was like, yeah, I want to give you babies, like, it gives me chills.
A lot of women never see that. Yeah. And if he walked out, you'd be like, come back, you know? But when you're taking him for granted, and when you're in your inner child, you're all entitled. Mm hmm. Yeah, and I had to really, like I said, I sat with that, and Because especially when you're freshly postpartum, and I feel like postpartum does last forever, but when you're in that fresh season of postpartum, like your hormones are literally all over the place.
You're emotional, you're healing from this birth, you're in this, like you said, like a raw state, and you feel very vulnerable, and I know, personally, I, like, my husband sounds like your husband, like, amazing, like, so supportive, and, like, even though, like, I've had a different crazy with each child with him, God bless him, I swear, and he's, like, so chill, so calm, um, And, you know, of course it's not perfect, we have our issues, but we have like, especially after this one, it was transformative for me.
I was like, I s I took a step back, and I looked at our relationship as if I were an outsider. And, not just like what an outsider sees, but the way we actually interact in our home together. And I was like, Oh my gosh, he's like, give, give, give, give. And I'm just like, well, you should, you should do this. You should do that.
I need this. And I'm like, I'm not even like, I'm not even asking him what he needs or he wants or how are you like? So and yeah, a lot of the focus is on us because we just gave birth. But this is a partnership. And I had to come to reality. Like come back to myself and be like, Oh my gosh, like he doesn't deserve that.
He's he is fricking amazing. And he deserves all the accolades, you know, Think is that every time we give birth, it's our own death and rebirth. Yes. Oh my gosh. That's perfect. Yeah. Because like you said, it's like we're raw and we're hormonal, but it's more than that. It's like, you don't even know we are.
We just think we're being reasonable. Because we're like new babies. We're like, what, what's your problem? We don't see ourselves. We lose the capacity to self reflect for a little while. Like there's, there's this new, new energy to us. And what I always say to women is that like, you're all discombobulated and don't know which way is up.
Think about the man who's like, what happened to my wife? Mm hmm. He doesn't even know what to say, to think, because you really have changed. And we'll say, but he's changed. Because we haven't really taken the time to look from the outside, like you said. And what I always encourage women is that a good man will give and give and give.
All he needs is appreciation. He honestly just needs the acknowledgement. And it's, it honestly makes me emotional because that's so beautiful. They just want to know that what they're doing is seen and appreciated. That's the end of story. Yeah, because I did notice after I started, you know, like acknowledging everything he was doing and being appreciative because gosh, you know, we have four kids and he would, he would like, I would be sitting there nursing.
And, you know, nursing takes a lot out of you. You're sitting a lot and he would bring me food, make me food, take care of the kids, take them to the park, like, like so many, so many of those things that we're not thinking of in that moment because we feel like we're, I mean, I felt like I was drowning. Um.
But he was doing all these things to help me in what he thought I needed. And we never talked about it until I finally realized like, Oh my gosh, he's amazing. And then once I started saying, thank you, thank you, you know, whatever it changed are, I feel so much closer to him now. And I just like look at him and I'm just in awe.
Because I'm like, he's an amazing dad. He fricking works and comes home. I'm sure he's tired, but he still plays with the kids. He still shows me love, like all the things. So yeah, that's, that's the mature love that I'm all, cause that is so sturdy. You know, it's not the butterflies of the beginning. And you think when you're young, all those go away.
That sucks, right? But when you get through to like, This person like has my back and it's building a life with me and like he's my rock and safe container And he's seen me through these things Mm hmm, but you don't just know it but you feel it like what you did because a lot of women can say it But they haven't let it touch them and the reason it can't touch them is because their inner child is still fussing And so honestly, it's just like soothing her so that you can open your heart and receive what's coming to you It's like, we don't mean to be bitchy and immature.
It's like, this stuff is things that we've carried. And, and when you become that wise woman, who's like, wow, I really see what I have here, you get a depth of love. That doesn't waver all over the place. So yeah, you have super passionate times and you bicker sometimes, but that undercurrent is so steady and, and it's so hard to describe to people who haven't had it, right?
If you haven't had it, it sounds boring. Um, that's what I thought when I was young. Um, but when you're a mother, I think motherhood also makes you appreciate it because you're so vulnerable. Like, you need your husband like air. And that's what I see now. It's like, this is what we were made for, you know?
You want to have those babies. He wants to help you support them. And you create this... container for your children that does break those cycles. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's what it's all about. Like breaking those generational cycles that we've gone through that have created these crazy inner child.
Like I feel like a psycho, like kidding, like my inner child. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm still working through that. You know, I feel like it's something regular that I have to really be intentional about. So that I'm not letting it, letting her come out and lash out, you know, So I always say it's like your relationship with yourself, right?
You can't just fix yourself and then ignore her like that. It's a relationship. So like people want to heal and then ignore themselves. But actually, if you don't feel like you're worthy of time and attention, if you feel like it's annoying or a waste of time to relate to yourself, That's what you're projecting to the world.
Don't pay attention to me. There's more important things to do. Right? So a lot of women will do everything for everyone else and then expect someone else to come in and nurture that place in them that truly only you can nurture. Nobody can meet your inner child like you can. And then you can bring that to your husband and to people who you trust once it's not, um, so out of your control, right?
And gonna say crazy stuff and just attack people. You can say, like, I'm feeling insecure or, you know, there's a part of me that knows you love me, but I'm needing validation. And when you can do it that way, you can even more increase the emotional intimacy in your relationship, but you do have to keep meeting yourself because your self changes just like with every child, women are so fluid and we evolve over a lifetime, just like, like, we don't stop changing.
So if we don't stay current with ourselves. Of like, who am I now? What are my desires now? What's coming out of me now? Our relationships end because we haven't, we haven't kept that relationship going with ourselves. So we can't present who we really are. And you'll see people wake up 10 years. Oh, I changed.
Oh, I grew out of my relationship. And that's always my pet peeve because that's not a conscious way of living to silently grow up and not tell anyone and then walk away. But that might be what you did because of your wounding. Cause you're too afraid. And I'm not shaming you, the conscious thing is to speak up about your heart at every step of the way, even though it's scary.
Welcome someone into who you're becoming. Yeah, exactly. And it's so true. I feel like us as human beings we're made to evolve and we're made to adapt and life is always changing. Seasons are always changing. When our kids are growing, they change. So it's like, we have to change with that change and it makes us different.
It's like this, oh my gosh, this cycle, it just continues. It's forever. And that's living, like, that's when you feel alive, when you're in the flow, right, when you're like, okay, like, it might be a little bit unbalanced sometimes, you're like, whoa, kids keep changing and growing on me, and you're trying to catch up and whatever, but that's what feels good, is when you just accept that there is this flow, and like you said, it's never going to be perfect, you're not going to be able to project into the future how it's going to go, but you show up as yourself, and apologize when you screw up, and that's okay, it's, It's really free.
Yeah. So I'm curious, how do you feel like a partner can best support the mother as she's, if she's going through this, in your opinion? Good question. I think what I wish more men knew Is there a rule is the is how to emotionally support a woman. It's something that previous generations didn't know. And modern women need, like, we're not staying in relationships that aren't emotionally supportive.
Um, it's what I needed, but didn't know how to ask for. It's coming to a woman and with a grounded centered energy saying, tell me what you're feeling. I'm here to listen. And then they're saying, well, I feel this and this and this and this and saying, yeah, I can totally understand that. Is there anything else?
Just being that, that whole space holder and not taking it personally and not reacting and not fixing. It's hard. It takes a level of consciousness and groundedness in a person to do this. But if you can do that for a woman, it soothes so much of the anxiety that goes along with the change of, well, I don't even know how to communicate this, and you wouldn't even want to hear it.
And well, you know, maybe it's his fault, you know, we can get really caught in our stories when we're going through these transformations. But if we can say it out loud and not be rejected, not have a fight, it's like speeds up that really so much. And in your personal journey. Like, if there was anything that you could go back in time.
Would you ever redo something in a different way, knowing what you know now? Hmm, that's a hard question. Part of me is like, how could I perfect
it? I don't know. I don't think so. I, I, this last year has been... Masterclass in don't don't avoid the darkness. Don't avoid the darkness. Stop that. Like that's been my big tendencies to be kind of the upbeat girl and, and, and be like, yeah, but it's okay. It's like, no, sometimes it's not okay. That's okay too.
So a lot of the real struggles I've gone through or mistakes I've made or whatever. Um, I S I'm so grateful. Or the sense of, um, what's the phrase? I read it somewhere. It says you have a feeling of being equal to life. It's like life is going to throw stuff at me and I will, I will know how to process that.
Like I won't perfectly. But there's no situation that now I'm going to go, Oh my God, if that happened, I'd crumble. Like even the worst situations, I would grieve and wail and be a banshee for a while. Cause I know that's important, but I don't fear life events anymore. Gosh, that's beautiful. And I, I feel like I really struggled with that because everybody always knew me as, Oh, she's so positive.
She's so upbeat. Gosh, she must have everything perfected. When really I was stuffing all that darkness down and I was only letting people see what I wanted them to see. And until I really realized that I needed to, I needed to just meet that darkness. and figure out how to, like, heal through that. Because there were so many things, so many situations in my life that had happened that I never dealt with in any, like, any capacity.
And so it was just down there and, you know, being stuffed and stuffed and stuffed until it exploded. And I was forced to deal with it. But I think that's important that we meet that and not be afraid of it. Because We have to face it, because if we don't, it's always going to be there, and it's always going to be eating at us, because that's how I felt.
Like, it was just there, eating at me constantly. That's, that's exactly it. You cannot escape the emotions. They become, I always tell women, you go three ways. You can become depressed, you can become anxious, or you can get a physical ailment. That is the outcome of emotional stuffing. It's a very high cost.
And so, if you are afraid to dig into that Pandora's box, as many people are, just know that it's gonna cost you anyways. You can't actually avoid them, but if you consciously face them, it's going to be uncomfortable. I mean, I've gone through seasons where I'm like, gosh, I'm always dealing with some kind of sadness or shame or, oh, you know, I'd be judging myself.
I'm one of those people now, but it was the best work I ever did. And I need to, I need to continue to be open to it. I actually believe that it will happen every winter. Because I was noticing how myself and my clients would hit a bit of a funk around November, have a family disaster around January, and come out of it around March.
And I would do this to some degree too, and I thought last year, not doing it this year, I'm going to be so self care, it's going to be wonderful, and I did it. I was like, And then it clicked, this is what winter is for, you're going to shed, you're going to, it's the bleeding of your cycle, it's the winter, things that you don't need, things that you're carrying that need to be get rid of will force themselves to the surface.
And if you're surrendered to that, you can soften through it. But if you're thinking this shouldn't happen in my perfect marriage coach relationship, and you're going to fight it and be ashamed of it, it's going to be huge. It's going to knock down. And so yeah, I, I, this winter, I thought, you know what, I'm going to hold space for myself every winter and expect things to come up.
Yeah, and I think that's, uh, there's so many important things that we've talked about, but really just noticing, like, what triggers that, and like you said, it could be a season, it could be a person, it could be a conversation, whatever that might be, and realizing that you maybe need to do something a little different, or try something different this time around, because it might be the change you need.
That's right. That's right. Well, gosh, Shiloh, I have so enjoyed this conversation. I love it. And okay, so I want people to be able to connect with you. So what would be the best way for them to do that? So I am active on Facebook, and I have a free Facebook group, you can find me just under Shiloh Meyer. Um, I also have a website, so if you want to like learn my whole story and everything again, Shiloh minor.
com. So that's easy. I'm on Instagram, Shiloh, the love coach and. You can just message me. I'm very casual. It's not, there's not some big gatekeeping here. If you have questions or you're curious, um, I actually even just created a training about how children will change your marriage. So if you want that, you can message me and I'll, I'll give you private access to it because we don't see it.
We're blinded to that part of it. And just, just the awareness of it can change your marriage on its own. Definitely. Oh, that's beautiful. And obviously I'll put every link that I have for you in the show notes so they can easily access you. But thank you so much again for coming on here. I appreciate you.
Thank you. I really was nourished by this conversation that I... I find it so moving to speak with other women who are also doing this work because to me, it's the most important work in the world. So thank you for hosting me. Definitely. Oh my gosh. That conversation with Shiloh was so beautiful. I enjoy listening to all of her amazing Stories and tips, and if you have any questions or something resonated with you that you want to chat deeper about, go ahead and message me or message Shiloh, we'd be more than happy to chat with you.
And until next time, have such a beautiful week. Bye!
